Two weeks went by, and there was no sign of Matt. Sera sat on her bed, propped up against pillows, staring out the window. She had lost weight, and her once-merry face had grown thinner and paler, looking ghostly in contrast to her newly copper hair. She kept getting weaker, literally wasting away.

She didn’t bother answering or looking when someone knocked on her bedroom door; she just waited for them to come in. As expected, it was her mother with a tray of food. “Dinner,” Lotus announced softly and set it on the side table, then sat on the bed and held her daughter’s hand.

Sera kept looking out the window. “Where’s Dad?”

She made sure she saw him every day. He had told her that he wasn’t going to go after Matt, but she wouldn’t take the chance. Cael never made empty threats, and he had threatened to kill Matt when she had first told her father she was in love with him. He had said that if Matt hurt her he would kill him. Well, she was hurt now, and no matter what her father said she knew that he blamed Matt for her current condition. And he wasn’t hiding his anger and hatred as well as he thought. It was new to him––he had never truly hated someone before. So she kept him close, making sure he couldn’t go too far, couldn’t search for Matt.

“I am here,” Cael said, appearing in the doorway a moment later. “Now eat.”

She gave him a small nod, and her mother handed her a muffin. She picked at it, forcing herself to eat a small bite here and there. Unfortunately, she had to use threats to keep her father home. She refused eat or drink anything at any mealtime until she saw him.

He had tested her early on, but one trait she had inherited from him was the unyielding stubbornness of the elves. Cael had left for two days, then checked back, sure that she wouldn’t hold out that long, but she had. She hadn’t eaten a single bite, nor drank a single drop, and her health had deteriorated. Lotus had been so furious with her husband that she had barely said a word to him for the following two days.

Still, Sera wondered who her father might have out looking for Matt now. She couldn’t know, so she only hoped for the best. All she could do was keep her father close by; anyone else Matt had a fair chance at beating, except for her uncle. But Falcon would never get involved: like Tess, he believed that no one should ever make another person’s decision for them. Taking away an adult’s right to choose was a form of imprisonment, and without legal and just cause, Falcon would never do that. There was no proof of Matt having done anything illegal since leaving Malluk’s service, and so Falcon had no just cause to go after him. The rest was Sera’s choice, and he would let her decide her own path. Even after the long argument he had had with Cael, Falcon wouldn’t change his mind.

Sera sighed as she returned the muffin to the tray. She just wasn’t hungry.

“Eat more,” Cael commanded.

She didn’t answer.

He looked at Lotus until she moved so he could sit next to their daughter. “You need to stop this.” He grabbed Sera’s chin gently and turned her head, making her look at him. “You promised to eat as long as I am here. I stay, and yet you eat less and less each day. You will not recover if you do not try,” he told her firmly. “You have people who love you and many things to live for.”

“There is nothing for me,” she said quietly, lifelessly. Her gaze went to her mother and back. “You have your other half, Dad. I’m just half empty.”

Lotus cried silently––she did that a lot lately. Her mother understood, even if her father stubbornly refused to.

“There are many wonderful people out there. So many who would love you,” Cael insisted again.

“Rahnam,” Sera whispered. “He is part of me. I can’t live without him. I won’t live without him.” She took a deep breath and turned her head toward the window again, leaning against the wall for support. “And he’s out there somewhere… hurting and alone.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “How can I live… when he’s dying?”

“You do not know that he is,” her father told her. “He may have moved on. He may have already found someone new.”

“Cael,” Lotus said sadly. “Stop it.”

Sera didn’t bother answering. She knew he wasn’t trying to be mean; he just wanted her to get better. She understood that, but she couldn’t find the motivation to do anything. She couldn’t will herself to live without Matt. She looked back at her father, into his eyes. She felt his pain, and it made her sad. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t want to hurt you. I love you.”

He leaned close to kiss her forehead and breathed the words he so seldom spoke. “I love you.” He met her gaze again. “Mae tralyan,” he murmured, which basically translated to my cherished gift.

“Please understand,” she pleaded softly. “Try.”

Just then she heard the front door open, and then footsteps on the stairs. She knew it was Tess and Ayden, and it gave her a glimmer of hope, though she already knew what they were likely to say.

“Matt’s not in Halimi,” Tess reported when they came into the room. “No one has seen or heard anything from him in almost two weeks.”

Cael stood up and went to stand with his wife. He looked weary and sad.

Ayden crawled onto the bed and laid down. He wrapped his arms around Sera’s waist and rested his head against her stomach. He was the one who understood her the most right now, aside from her mother. Though Ayden hated Matt, he was still willing to try to find him for her, and she loved him for it. She ran her fingers through his short curls and smiled down at him.

“We don’t know where to look for him,” Tess said as she sat on the foot of the bed. “Do you have any ideas?”

“No.”

Cael sighed in defeat. “I can find him.”

Sera gave him a small smile. “No.”

“I will not kill him. I will bring him here.”

“No,” she repeated. “Stay away from him.”

“You know you can trust me,” Cael told her.

“Yes, but not in this. You believe that his death will free me. And you hate him.”

“Ayden hates him, but you let him go,” he pointed out.

“I’m not his daughter, and Tess is with him. Besides, he can control his hatred a lot better than you can. You never hate, and it’s blinding you now. You might have good intentions, but they would leave as soon as you saw Matt. And since I can’t go with you, I need you to stay here with me.”

“I’ll go with him,” Lotus offered.

“Thanks, Mom, but you’re too ruled by him.”

Lotus leaned her head against the side of her husband’s chest and sighed as his arms went around her. It was the truth. And she agreed with her daughter—for the first time in his life, Cael's mind was too clouded with emotions. He was being quite human, and under other circumstances they would have had fun teasing him about it.

“Vivyka’s coming,” Sera said suddenly, looking back out her window. “Ask her to come up, please. Tell her it’s not her fault. Again.”

Her parents nodded and left.

Vivyka came by every couple of days to ask how Sera was doing, but she never came into the house. She refused to see her, and only sent the same message every time: I’m sorry.

Ayden lifted his head to look at Sera and wiped away his tears on his shirt. “Do you want us to keep looking?” he asked. “We will… we just don’t know where to look. And I’m scared… I don’t want to be away from you when… when you’re like this.”

She touched his cheek tenderly for a moment, then put her hand down, feeling too drained to move anymore. “Don’t go,” she said softly. “If he doesn’t want to be found… he won’t be. There’s nothing we can do.” She watched tears slide down Ayden’s face, even as she felt her own. “But don’t just stay with me. Go be with Tess. Be happy. You deserve to be happy after waiting so long,” she said with a weak smile.

He didn’t argue. He wouldn’t argue with her, not when she was sick. So he just nodded. “I love you,” he told her.

“I love you, too. Both of you,” she said. “I’ll see you later, though, okay? I’m tired.”

“Okay.” He leaned close and kissed her lightly before standing up.

Tess kissed her, too, then took Ayden’s hand, and they left together.

Sera leaned her head back against her pillows and sighed as she closed her eyes. She couldn’t seem to stay awake for more than an hour or so at a time lately. She was always so tired…

__________

“She really wants to see you,” Lotus told Vivyka, who was standing on the front porch.

“I can’t,” Vivyka said sadly. “I just—” She stopped when Tess and Ayden came down the stairs. “You’re back. Where’d you go?”

“Halimi,” Ayden said curtly, still upset with her––just as Cael was, which was why he didn’t answer the door with his wife. Cael was back in the forest now; he usually stayed there when he was upset, which was constantly these days.

“Matt’s not there,” Tess added.

“She wants you to look for him?” Vivyka asked. “After everything––”

“I hate Matt. A lot,” Ayden told her tightly. “But he’s not the reason Sera doesn’t have the strength to get out of bed. He’s not the one who hurt her.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her,” Vivyka said. “I didn’t think his memories would be that bad. I didn’t think the cleric would even show her so much.”

“I really don’t care what you thought or why you did it,” Ayden said quietly, making sure Sera wouldn’t hear him through her open window. “All I know is that Sera could die, and that’s your fault,” he continued harshly as new tears started to fall. He walked away, not waiting for any reply.

“We would find Matt if we could,” Tess told Vivyka. “Because, regardless of what he’s done in the past, the only thing that matters now is helping Sera get better, and the only thing that’s gonna do that is him. But we don’t know where he is. So, if you know anything…?”

Vivyka just shook her head.

Tess sighed and nodded, then left to catch up with her boyfriend. She took his hand again, and they walked home together.

“Won’t you come in?” Lotus said now. “It would make Sera feel better to see you.”

“I’m the last person that would make her feel better. I gotta go,” Vivyka mumbled, and left.

Cael and Lotus didn’t like cigarettes—typical Woodlanders—so Vivyka waited until she was a block away from the house before she lit one. She wiped some tears away and walked aimlessly as she smoked it.

She was stunned by Ayden’s words. Ayden being harsh was incredibly shocking; it hurt worse coming from him than it would coming from almost anyone else, because he wouldn’t say it if it weren't true. And it was. Sera’s illness was Vivyka’s fault.

She let out a smoky sigh and looked down at her cigarette. It was just another thing Matt had left her with: scars, both physical and emotional, and a smoking habit. She remembered her first time…

It was just after sex. Matt was lying on the bed and told her to get him a smoke. Instead of bringing him his case, she took one out and lit it for him.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his eyes filled with amusement.

She shrugged as she inhaled some smoke. “Just—” She coughed.

He chuckled. “What’s that?”

She took another drag to prove that she was fine. She exhaled and smiled. “Just seeing what’s so great about them.”

“Well?” he asked as she sat on the bed next to him.

She shrugged again. “It’s okay,” she said, and handed it over.

He didn’t take it. “You’re stuck with it now. Get me another,” he said, and then smirked. “Besides, I like it. Kind of sexy.”

And, of course, that was it: she had smoked ever since. If Matt liked it, she had done it. She had wanted to be everything to him. She had tried so hard to make herself into the person he'd wanted her to be. She had worn the clothes he liked and the makeup he said was attractive—actually, she still did; she had come to like the style, and had never stopped. She still used the blackberry lip stain and gloss, her outfits were still tight and sexy, and she couldn’t seem to remember if she had always liked the color red or if she had picked that up from him, too.

So much of who she was had been shaped by him. He had created her, in a way. She had changed for him, done everything for him, trying desperately to make him love her. But he never had. He had just desired her. He still did, probably always would. Desire was something she knew well. Plenty of people desired her. She knew how to make men want her––she even got them to beg sometimes––but they never loved her. Not that it really mattered. The only person she had ever wanted to love her was the one man who never would.

Vivyka thought about her romance novels and wondered about Sera. Was she the heroine in the story that actually got the mean, abusive hero to really love her, to be unable to live without her? She thought of the way Matt had looked at Sera in dream-state and sighed. She had never seen him look at anyone the way he looked at Sera, and she couldn't believe the way he had held her, caressed her cheek and kissed her. He had been so tender, Vivyka hadn’t even known he was capable of being that way. It was as if she had been watching someone else.

Yes, she admitted to herself, she believed he loved Sera. The thought brought new tears with it. Her first feeling was anguish, because he had never loved her. She had never been worth changing for. Part of her hated Sera for it, for getting what she couldn’t, for taking away what she had so desperately wanted––and what part of her still wanted, and maybe always would. But she knew it wasn’t Sera’s fault. Of course he would fall for Sera; who could blame him?

And it would take someone like Sera to tame a monster like him. If anyone could bring out the good in someone, it was her. Vivyka didn’t understand about gods' marks and what losing one might mean, but she understood the amazing ability Sera had to love people. There was just something about Sera: she made the people around her want to be better somehow. People didn’t like the idea of disappointing her, though Vivyka couldn’t remember Sera having ever been disappointed in anyone.

Vivyka stopped and took one last drag of her cigarette before flicking it into the street. She looked ahead and smiled grimly; she had unconsciously walked to the stable. She took a deep breath, knowing what she had to do. This wasn’t about her–– it was about Sera.

Vivyka was the only one who knew Matt well enough to find him, and she would, for her friend’s sake.